When I came to Calvin Church over eleven years ago, one of the first things I did was to have the leaders create a vision statement for the church. So one Saturday morning, I gathered members of the session, the long range planning committee, and other invited members of the congregation to work on creating a vision statement—a statement declaring who we are and where we are going.

We began the morning with a Bible study that focused on the need to have a vision. Then, after lunch, I divided the members into small groups of about five members each and gave them instructions: build a church. I had given them each markers and large sheets of newsprint, and I asked them draw their new church, constructing it much like they would build a building, which means begining with the foundation. The first question they were to ask was, “what is the foundation of the church?” I had shared with them the passage from Luke 6 in which Jesus says that unless we build on a solid foundation, the winds of the world will shake us to the ground. They were to begin with determining what the foundation of any church is, and by extension declare what is the foundation of Calvin Church. The next thing they were to do was to determine what the pillars were of the church—the ministries of the church that formed its structure. These were the pillars upon which everything else depended upon. Once a foundation and pillars are in place, anything can be built.

After the groups created their churches, we came back together as a large group, and each small group showed their “church” and explained what its foundation and pillars were. Afterwards, we took all of their ideas and synthesized them into one church: Calvin Church. Then we took the ideas of that one church and created the vision statement printed above. It was really an amazing process.

There was one moment in particular that seemed to create a sense of wonder in all of us. We were trying to come up with a phrase that captured the essence of each group’s “foundation,” but were struggling to find a phrase. Then one of the members said, “You know, I think the phrase we are looking for is ‘spiritual family.’ Calvin Church is my spiritual family. It is the place I know that I’ll be cared about despite what happens in my life. All of us paused for moment and then said, “That’s it! That’s our foundation.”

If there is any phrase that captures the essence of Calvin Church it is this one. A lot of people don’t necessarily think of churches as families. They think of them as organizations, institutions, businesses, but not necessarily as family. Early in my ministry I was given a sharp reminder of how people view the church as anything but a family. A woman in the church where I was an associate pastor talked with me in my office one day. I’m not sure why our conversation led to this, but she said, “You know, Graham, the principles of how to run a church are pretty simple. The church is a business. You and Jack (he was the senior pastor) are the salesmen of the church. If you do your job well, people will come and buy our product, which is salvation. If not, the business will fail.” I told her that I didn’t agree, and that I didn’t become a pastor so that I could be a “salesman for God.” She just dismissed my comment with a terse, “Well, that’s because your young and inexperienced.”

She had captured, in a short statement, how many people see the church. But she was wrong. And I know this because the thing that has really touched me about Calvin Church, and has kept me here for over eleven years, is the fact that we are a spiritual family in the best sense of the word. In a lot of ways we have the qualities of a healthy family, and being a healthy family, whether in the real sense or the spiritual sense is not easy today. There are so many pressures in our culture that lead people to divide against each other. You see this in politics, and you see this in families. In both arenas, people have become divided against each other, focusing much more on who is right and who is wrong, rather than how to build healthy relationships with each other.
So what is it that makes for a healthy family, whether as a spiritual family or a physical family? Why is it that some families that thrive despite the pressures to divide, while others fall apart? I’ve spent a lot of years thinking about this subject, and trying to get a sense of how to have my personal family be a healthy family. Much of my interest in this topic came through my first career before I became a pastor. I was a therapist with children and adolescents, focusing on family therapy. In fact, my master of social work, which is a counseling degree, is focused on working with couples and families. I’m trained as a marital and family therapist. And over the years, as a therapist and pastor, I’ve discovered that the healthy families generally follow three principles.

The first principle is that everything in the family is grounded in love. This may sound like a simple statement, but I want you to think about it for a moment. Many families love each other, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are “grounded in love.” Loving each other and being grounded in love are two different things. To discover this, all you have to do is look at most dysfunctional families.

When I use the word “dysfunctional,” what do you hear? How do you define “dysfunctional?” If you are like most people, you define it as “not functioning” or “not working.” That is not what it means to be dysfunctional. The prefix “dys” tells us that. “Dys” means “in pain.” Dysfunctional families function, but they function in pain. They get dinner on the table, work, pay bills, and do things together. The problem is that their interactions are filled with arguments and anger. They argue over who is going to take the kids to soccer. They argue over what’s for dinner. They argue over who is more important, who gets to decide what the money is spent on, and who determines the family’s activities. Dysfunctional families argue and snipe at each other over everything.

It is looking at dysfunctional families that led me to say that many families love each other but aren’t grounded in love. Dysfunctional families love each other, but are grounded in seeking power. Husband and wife, and children and parents, all argue over who is in charge and gets to decide things. Also, dysfunctional families often are easily hurt families. Everyone has a thin skin and gets hurt, unless everyone is at the point of just shutting each other out. Finally, in dysfunctional families, the focus is always on “me:” on what I want, what I should have, and what I should get.

Healthy families are different. There are power struggles, but generally healthy families share decision-making. Early on in the family’s life, the husband and wife struggle to decide what their values and traditions will be, but in the end they share power with each other. As the kids grow older, they get to share in the decision-making. Also, in healthy families, the kids and parents aren’t as sensitive. That doesn’t mean that feelings don’t get hurt and that people don’t get upset. They just don’t let the hurt last. Finally, in healthy families, the focus tends to be on “us” or on “you.” In general, people in the family care about each other more than just about themselves.

The example that the Bible gives of a healthy family is the story of the Prodigal Son. You know this story. The second son of a wealthy man decides that he’s had enough of being the second son. So he goes to his father and asks him for his inheritance so that can make his mark in the world. For us, this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but back in the ancient world this would be tantamount to the younger son rejecting his family. According to ancient custom, the moment the son walked away with his inheritance, he would have been considered dead by his family and the town. There would be no chance for him to be forgiven and taken back. Ancient custom prohibited it. So, this is a fairly serious step.

The young man takes his inheritance and goes out into the world. He squanders his money on gambling and drinking. Eventually, he is living among the pigs, fighting with them for a few scraps of food. He is miserable and in despair. Suddenly, he comes up with a plan. He will return to his father and ask to work as his servant. He knows that his family and town would ostracize him, but he also knows that his father treated his servants well, and that even though he’d be a slave, he would be treated well. So, he returns to his father, rehearsing how he would show his shame and repentance. As he comes close to the town, his father sees him from afar and begins running through the town, hiking up his robe. He rushes up to his son, embraces him, gives him the family ring, and plans a feast to celebrate his return inviting the entire town. No big deal, we say. But this was a big deal in Jesus’ day. The fact that the father would have run through the town was undignified enough. The fact that he embraced the son, gave him his ring, and planned a feast for his return was the ultimate humiliation. The townsfolk would have considered him a fool. Ultimately, his behavior was a humiliation. Yet the Father was grounded in love, rather than in the dictates of the culture. He could have wallowed in hurt, a desire for power, or a focus on “me,” but instead he acted in love.

Healthy families, whether physical or spiritual, are grounded in love. And I believe that this is true of Calvin Church. I’m not saying that we are perfect, but what family is. What I have noticed is that we tend to err on the side of love rather than power. We don’t let what others say hurt us for too long. And we seem to be able to make our focus others, and not just “me.”

The second principle of healthy families is that they emphasize the positive and let go of the negative. Healthy families have a way of seeing what’s best in a situation and emphasizing that over what’s wrong. For example, they discipline their kids and set limits, but they don’t get caught up in a cycle of criticizing each other. Let me give you an example from my own family. Diane and I believe in disciplining our kids and setting clear limits. We believe in giving our kids immediate consequences when they do something wrong. And we are very quick to put our kids into time-out. But at the same time, when the time-out is over, so is any anger or criticism. Whenever they come out of time-out, they always get hugs. We always find a way to put the time-out aside and focus on what’s next. And we also try to make laughter and praise foundational to our family

This principle of emphasizing the positive is very much in keeping with something a psychologist named John Gottman discovered. He has studied over 50,000 couples, and discovered one factor that seems to determine the health of a marital couple. He calls it the “golden ratio.” He says that in healthy couples, and by extension I would say in healthy families, there is a 5 to 1 ratio of positive interactions versus negative interactions. A positive interaction doesn’t necessarily mean saying something nice, although it can mean that. A positive interaction can be an affectionate touch, smile, laughing together at a joke, watching television together, or opening a door for the other. The point is that negative interactions kill relationships. It takes five positive ones to overcome just one negative one.

Gottman says that this is much more important than communication. Why? Because often communication can be good and negative. If I say, “I hate your guts,” that is clear, concise communication. Unfortunately, it doesn’t necessarily help a marriage.

Again, I believe that Calvin Church does emphasize the positive over the negative. We don’t seem to dwell on problems. A great example is our construction. We have been inconvenienced, but we are still positive and patient. There may be a little grumbling, but I have to say that I am amazed each Sunday that people are here. We don’t have many parking spots because the construction equipment has taken many of them, and we have to use a port-o-pot outside in freezing temperatures for a bathroom, yet you still show up. That is emphasizing the positive over the negative.

The third principle is seeking unity and acceptance despite differences. Again, this is huge. The poet, Robert Frost, said in his poem, “The Death of the Hired Man,” that “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” In healthy families, the focus is on loving each other, not on being right. We live in divisive times in which everyone is trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong, but in healthy families there is a divergence of opinion, but that doesn’t keep people from being family.

For instance, if you look at my own family (the one I grew up in), we range from conservative Republican to very liberal Democrat. And we argue about politics all the time, but that doesn’t keep us from loving each other and accepting each other. The same is true for my wife’s family. Their beliefs range all over the place, but if you sit at table with them, what you will hear is laughter. Healthy families have differences, but they accept each other.

The hardest thing about being a church family is that as we grow people bring in new ideas and values, and this can threaten people in a church. Many dysfunctional churches end up struggling because they make beliefs more important than being family. And it kills them. But I don’t see this at Calvin Church. If you were to ask each of us what we believe, you would get over 300 different sets of opinions. And what you also get is a sense of acceptance of each other despite differences.

To be a healthy church means to be like a healthy family, a family that is grounded in love, emphasizes the positive over the negative, and accepts each other despite differences. These seem to be our values at Calvin Church.

One of the things we’ve done over the years at Calvin Church, as a way of trying to maintain our health when people join, is emphasizing our principles to them. We not only share our vision statement, but each member is asked to sign a covenant that outlines our values. As an end to this sermon, I invite you to look again at that covenant. Many of you signed a covenant when you joined. If you joined over nine years ago, you probably didn’t. But what I want you to do is to look over the covenant either way and reflect on it. What does it say about how to be healthy as a member of Calvin Church and as a Christian. And after read and reflect on it, sign it. You don’t have to turn it in. You can just put it in a drawer somewhere. Yet signing this covenant will act as a reminder that you are part of a spiritual family. And that means something.